Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
