how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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