i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
