I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
