So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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