so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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