i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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