Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
