Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
