I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
