I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize