I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
