threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
