I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
