it was like his penis was on wheels.
someone owes me an orgasm
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
