hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
