i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's rum buckets o'clock
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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