The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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