2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
