I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
