I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
