So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
