my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
