We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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