It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
