My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
