The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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