I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
