I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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