Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
