Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
