dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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