i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
