i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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