I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
