You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
