My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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