it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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