Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
