I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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