I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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