So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
