just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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