I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
