I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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