How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
