I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
