It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
