So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
