I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
