You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
