He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
