final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
