I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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