What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
