So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
