saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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