Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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