he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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